Michele Bachmann: 9/11 Was a Sinside Job
Rep. Michele Bachmann claims 9/11 and Benghazi were "judgments" from God. Her strategy to ward off future terrorist attacks? A "9-1-1 Pray" day to repent from our sins
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At a prayer event to celebrate “Washington: A Man of Prayer” at the U.S. Capitol recently, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) continued to promote right-wing birther Joseph Farah’s 9/11 National Day of Prayer and Fasting. Providing the insightful foreign policy analysis that skyrocketed her to The White House Christian prayer meetings, Bachmann explained that both 9/11 and the September 11, 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghaziwere the result of God’s judgment upon America:
It’s no secret our nation may very well be experiencing the hand of judgment … Our nation has seen judgment not once but twice on September 11.
But if Bachmann has identified the problem, fear not, because she also has the solution.
That’s why we’re going to have “9-1-1 Pray” on that day.
To protect America from further attacks, the former Republican front-runner for the U.S. presidency then proposed a comprehensive national security plan:
What is the answer? The answer is … humbling ourselves before an almighty God, crying out to an almighty God, saying not of ourselves but you, would you save us oh God? We repent of our sins, we turn away from them, we seek you, we seek your ways.
Bachmann’s five-point plan to Humble, Cry Out, Repent, Turn Away, and Seek God will no doubt help our nation ward off future attacks here at home and at our embassies. But why stop there? Just think of all the ways we could be applying these techniques in the global war on terror! To that end, we’ve compiled a list of additional policy suggestions for our Armed Forces:
Suggested Additions to the Michele Bachmann Holy War Strategy
(1.) From now on, our soldiers will no longer carry guns. Instead each one will be equipped with a Military Grade Bible Launcher and a rapidly deployable MPS (mobile pew system).
(2.) Naturally, drones will still be used, but rather than being piloted remotely by soldiers, instead the drones will be retro-fitted with Lutheran Predestination Engines (LPEs). The advantage being that now the Drone will only attack you if you were meant to die as a part of God’s plan, or gay.
(3.) Standard issue M1 Abrams Tanks will of course be modified for this new age of God-based warfare. From now on a series of Abraham Tanks will be designed. Instead of the classic M256 smoothbore gun, the tanks will now be equipped with JC Cruise Cannons, which will fire highly pressurized and tactically blessed Holy Water, which will both exorcise the demons in militant Islamists and have the advantage of putting out any fires started by the unholy demons as they flee from their host’s bodies, baptizing any civilian casualties in the process for rapid processing in limbo.
(4.) Historically, our military’s top brass have convened at the Pentagon. However, this has resulted in a number of embarrassing and costly errors (e.g., Iraq). In order to avoid future mistakes, the Pentagon will henceforth rely on papal infallibility to determine nuclear strike locations. The classic “mushroom cloud” will be replaced by a new cross cloud formation, ensuring that any devastation caused is, at the very least, God’s will.
Thank goodness for Michele Bachmann and her team of highly trained policy wonks. Without her, God only knows what we’d do.