RNC Special: Fetuses are People - A Handy Guide to the Major Positions
Mbhumor
With the Republican National Convention in full swing, it's time we examine the Republican platform in detail. Today we'll be looking at their position that life begins at conception and that fetuses are people. There are four major positions represented in the fetuses are people camp. Below is a brief guide.
Coitezens United
The Coitizen: Fetuses are people, and yet they aren't allowed to vote, drive or even attend school. They are trapped, often in solitary for 9 month sentences for a crime they never committed. Conjugal visits are very rarely allowed. It is sick that we live in a country where Corporations are considered people, but we treat our youngest people even worse than our least loved minorities. Just about any other citizen has more rights, and is allowed to engage in fetus profiling in which they stop a fetus on its way to the ladies bathroom to give it a brief pat down and ask how much of their sentence they've served.
What to do: we have to stop women from creating this unlawful police state, which is why I propose employing navy seal teams to lead search and rescue operations to get out youngest coitizens out as soon as possible. Furthermore once extracted all fetuses should be given jobs at big box stores, paying no less than $5.50/hour.
The Illegal Wombegrant
The Position: fetuses are people, but they come into this country without even the most cursory of paperwork. Most of them are lazy, expect free education paid for by the American population and threaten to steal jobs from real Americans. Eventually.
What to do: We have to build a wall to prevent them from getting out of women's vaginas. We also have to imprison the women who are aiding and abetting said fetuses with their left leaning pinko vaginas. Those who do make it through should be immediately deported back to their father's ball sack.
Terror Cells
The Position: It's not called a pregnancy scare for nothing. Not only are fetuses people, but they are engaged in a full out war against the American population, striking at our weakest point: women. They kidnap our women for 9 months at a time, starting as small terror cells making demands for simple things like peanut butter and pickles or that the kidnapped woman throw up, but just like Neville Chanberlain, when a woman appeases the fetus it starts to grow and demand more and more while secretly trying to bring her down from the inside. Apparently they have this fanatical idea that there's life after fetuseshood (they believe in an afterbirth) and if they are given enough time they will build their resources and eventually launch a suicide attack which destroys the very vaginas in which they've been hiding.
What to do: We need to send navy seal teams deep into the caves of wombganistan to take these little bastards out before they end western civilization as we know it.
The Book of Genesisocide
The Position: Fetuses are people and we now know that about 75% of fertilized eggs (after conception, when life starts) miscarry in the first week before the woman even knows she's pregnant, which means that God is the world's best abortionist. That's 75% nowadays when we have modern medicine, in the first week. Conservatively speaking that means that god has aborted approximately 322,808,123,373 people, in the first week of their lives (that's 322 billion, with a b, for baby killer. Also for billion). Not even counting all the other miscarriages and other people who have died by the hand of god, this alone would make god the most accomplished mass murderer to ever float the earth. Hitler? Mussolini? Pol Pot? Amateurs. This guy means business, and he has to be stopped.
What to do: We have to capture god, (dead or alive), put him on trial him for war crimes, and summarily execute him in the public square for crimes against humanity. Obviously it won't bring back the hundreds of billions of people he has murdered, but by god -- and to god, justice must be done.
Which one do you believe is correct? Who will win this violent clash of ideology and pussy? Either way one thing is for certain: No matter what science, reason, or basic human experience has to say about the matter, Fetuses are people.
Enjoy the convention!