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Long Island City

Mike makes stuff. Mostly involving words, notes, thoughts, and images. Also a podcast. Enjoy. 

Glenn Beck Starts New Life as Blenn Gleck

Glenn Beck says there's a conspiracy to label him a conspiracy theorist.

To see the article on it's original Daily Dolt page, click here.

Glenn Beck, a man who believes that National Treasure: Book Of Secrets was a documentary, has a theory that there is a conspiracy theory to label him a conspiracy theorist.

In a recent video, Beck laid out the deviousness of this inception-meets-Marxist-propanda-machine media plan in a way that was completely understandable, even to feeble, non-visionary minds like myself and his viewers.

The media has their own agenda; the media goes for it. And if the media has a story line it just writes it in. Currently the story line is: conspiracy theorist. Now why? Why would that be the agenda item now? Why is it a concentrated effort now to label me a conspiracy theorist?

“Ok, totally cool” added Beck, showing that he is definitely not upset, andmost definitely not covering up for being totally upset.

This man, who legends say on September 11th 2012 burst out, fully formed  from the cleaved skull of Rudy Giuliani, is cool as a cucumber.

So that’s exactly what’s happening now, and I don’t really care, I mean, I knew from the, uh, four years ago. I’m not getting out of this with my name or reputation. That’s fine. I know who I am, my family knows who I am, my kids know who I am. That’s it. That’s fine. You don’t believe me? Fine. I don’t really care anymore. I’m not really trying to wake anybody up, I’m trying to keep those who are awake awake a little bit longer.

Basically, Glenn Beck is a conspiracy-laced cup of coffee, not an alarm clock, you silly liberal stooges.

And it’s fine.

We at the Dolt have our own theory about Beck’s Glenn Beck Conspiracy Theory ™. We believe that the conspiracy is run by the Russians — specifically, that it’s a Russian doll, which has strategically hidden itself inside of another seemingly identical Russian doll, so as not to arouse suspicion.

We wanted to interview Mister Beck for this article but assumed he was too busy locked in his media-proof Underdome (made almost entirely out of re-purposed gold), highlighting one of his sixty-seven copies of “Catcher in the Rye.”

In truth, Beck’s career has itself become a kind of Russian nesting doll. Every year he seems to be the same Glenn Beck with a slightly smaller audience, shouting as he shrinks, smaller and smaller until he’s a tiny yapping little scrappy doo, disappearing into the pop-culture ether.

The greatest trick Glenn Beck ever pulled was convincing the world he was too crazy, even for Fox News. And like that, poof. He’s gone.